The Three A's of an Exceptional Marriage

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One of the great things about marriage is the amount of time we have allotted to get it right. Most of us married folk plow ahead acting as if we know the ropes. But we're fooling ourselves. It's pure on-the-job training. We have ample opportunity to screw up our interactions and to try, try again. We're all students at the fine art of intimacy. Marriage is our canvas and we cannot know what the finished piece will look like. Indeed, it is destined to remain unfinished.

The long-term relationship unfolds in waves. From the moment we set eyes upon each other 'til we totter off into the sunset, our time together changes its character. We actually go through different stages of how we relate to each other.

In this article we want to describe what we call the “Three A's” of an Exceptional Marriage. So, what are we talking about? The three A's stand for:

Amore

Attachment

Adventure

The allure of marriage is intimately and intricately tied to these three forces. Each A is a stage of relationship development that evokes its own spirit as well as its own chemical reactions. Our biological striving is for connection, while our spiritual nature is to evolve, to reach out toward the horizons of our potential. Marriage is the vehicle.

Lets take a look at each of the three A's and their significance in achieving an Exceptional Marriage.

Amore - When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, well, they say that's amore. The drama and fanfare that trumpets the arrival of newfound love is incomparable to any other of life's many offerings. Amore appears on the scene in flamboyant style as we suddenly are insatiably consumed with every nuance of our new lover's every thought, action and feeling. It is an insurgency of the heart that is fueled by an injection of neurohormones. In particular, Amore is ignited by a flood of dopamine into the bloodstream. This hormone, along with another called norepinephrine serve to throw us into a high state of emotional exhilaration which can leave us so consumed that we'll sacrifice all else to be with our lover. Amore is unchained romantic love, combined with a liberal dose of lust. In its throes we are hormonally intoxicated.

Attachment - If Amore ushers us into deep connection with a partner it is the capacity to bond that sustains the connection. As Amore must eventually subside, it opens the door to a deeper and fuller experience of Attachment. In this second stage, couples graduate from the mood altering peaks of Amore to a more sustainable and qualitatively different experience of love. In Attachment, couples melt into the warm and cozy embrace of familiarity and commitment. dopamine and norepinephrine levels wane to be replaced by another wonder hormone called oxytocin. This is the same hormone that is used to induce labor in women. Sometimes referred to as the "cuddle chemical", oxytocin is associated with happiness and contentment. Many relationships are content to hang out forever in this place of tenderness and safety. Attachment is crucial to our overall well-being it creates the sense of security that allows us to have the confidence to face the challenges life sends our way. It also sets the groundwork for entry into the Exceptional Marriage.

Adventure - As relationships settle into the sweet embrace of the Attachment stage they tend to lose the lustful, erotic magic and mystery of Amore. So, is that all there is? It can be. For many it is enough. But the soul of an Exceptional Marriage is based on its capacity for Adventure. Partners who can use their attachment as a launching pad into the cosmos of their own creative capacities will discover the true potential of long term commitment. While we cannot, and should not, endeavor to remain forever in Amore, we can create real magic by invoking the powers of uncertainty. This means taking risks to explore parts of ourselves that may have gone dormant during Attachment. Here, the fallow fields of secure attachment blossom into the an even higher order spirit of intrigue and exploration than we had during Amore. Couples in the Adventure stage thrive on novelty and change. Knowing full well that they are in it together, they can rise to unforseen heights of creativity, intimacy and self awareness. By bringing novelty and change to our lives, we actually are able to supply increasing levels of dopamine to the already higher levels of oxytocin. The chemical combination of these two important hormones allows couples to have the best of both worlds.

It's quite amazing how the interaction of two human beings can actually alter each one's biochemistry. Healing, growth and happiness are all a result of Amore, Attachment and Adventure. Love is indeed “a many splendored thing.” Relationship offers each of us real opportunity to become more of what we are meant to be.