The Embodied Relationship

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There was a cartoon I saw once. It was just one panel. The scene depicted the lobby of a conference center. On one end there was a door with as sign that read "Heaven." On the other end of the lobby was a second door. On this second door was another sign. It read - "Lecture on Heaven." Everyone in the lobby was heading to the lecture!

There is a propensity, in our culture, toward understanding, explaining, discussing, and categorizing. Even in couple's counseling we often see both partners wanting to figure it out or have cognitive solutions. The tilt toward left brain understanding has, in many ways, taken us far afield from the kind of alive, vibrant relationships we are really capable of.

Before there was language, humans communicated in a rich variety of ways which included all sorts of non-linguistic vocalizations (grunts, moans, shrieks, sighs, laughs, growls, etc.) We also communicated via our bodies. Our facial expressions, body language, movement, touch and skin temperature all sent very clear messages.

So has this all gone the way of the Neanderthal? Actually, much of this communication is still either going on just on the outskirts of our awareness, or is not very far from away from our expression. While many couples only create space for more embodiment while making love, there is a sort of love-making that can be happening much more of the time.

Too many couples are starving from lack of real contact and have settled for the lecture series. In the EMM work, we invite couples to begin to open up to what is occurring in the energy field that they have created together. In any given moment there is so much happening that we would truly be in awe of we allowed ourselves to feel it all.

For instance, each partner comes home after a day away. There may be anticipation, caution, sexual energy, left over anger from the morning or previous night, tiredness, distraction, and a number of other possibilities all occurring simultaneously in the shared energy field. How much do we tune out? What do we choose to focus on? Where has our curiosity, our sense of adventure gone?

The embodied relationship makes space for all that is happening to be noticed, felt and expressed. Of course, this cannot always be possible, but for most couples there is such a fixation on the mental level that the aliveness of each moment is overlooked.

Couples can begin to value these other forms of connection and open up new vistas of intimacy.  Sensing, noticing what you feel, trusting your impulses, listening to your intuitive voice, making more sounds and less words, touching, breathing, and stepping out of your comfort zone are all options to begin living a more embodied relationship. It will be a little less linear and perhaps a whole lot more juicy.